Richard - "Importance is monetary."
Me - "Importance is momentary."
Richard - "That's just bullshit. Money matters. It's all that matters."
Me - "So the guy that makes the French fries at McDonalds can never be important?"
Richard - "Anybody can make the French fries. Not everybody can be a brain surgeon. Therefore, the surgeon is more important."
Me - "More people are hungry, then in need of brain surgery. Therefore, according to your hero Adam Smith and his supply and demand theory, the guy who makes the French fries is more important because more people need him."
Richard - "But French fries are three bucks. Brain surgery is a hundred thousand dollars. The surgeon has to be more valuable."
Me - "If you were alone on the planet with only a guy making French fries, and a brain surgeon, you would need the guy making French fries every damn day. You will probably never need the brain surgeon. So how is the brain surgeon more valuable?"
Richard - "I'm not alone on the planet with a guy making French fries and a brain surgeon."
Me - "Fine. Here on Earth right now, how many times will you buy French fries? How many brain surgeries will you purchase?"
Richard is silent.
Me - "Come on. Keep defining yourself for me."
Richard - (quietly) "I am defining myself. Aren't I."
Me - "You're showing your true self. The more you talk, the more I learn about you."
Richard - "The more you talk to me, the less you like me."
Me - "What makes you say that?"
Richard - "The more I talk, the less I like myself."
Me - "Right now this second, I like you. Very much."
November 30, 2005
November 29, 2005
The Alone
Because when it comes down to it, I'm just trying not to be all alone. Just like every body else. Just like every fucking body else.
And I think it's supposed to hurt a little bit. I think it's supposed to have some kind of uncomfortableness to it. If it wasn't hard, any idiot would be surrounded in companionship.
I am not the person they think I am. I'm entirely someone different. I've managed. I've assimilated seamlessly. They have no idea.
No one knows me. No one. Not even those that have placed their hands inside of my soul.
He was underneath me, sweating and breathing deeply, he was sinking and floating. He was as close to mine at that moment as anyone would ever be, when he suddenly had this awarity. And he touched my face and said, "Who are you?" On some level, he knew. He knew that he would never know.
She drove off, she let me close her door, and she just pulled away from the curb and drove off. She knew she'd never see me again. She knew she was severing herself from me. She had no idea what that would do to me. She had no idea because she never knew me. Leaving was just her way of confirming it.
But I go back out there. I extend only enough to insure I exist. I reach out, and open up, only to withdraw and fade away. Escape under the radar. I am trying not to be lonely, but I keep refusing to stop being alone. I don't really have an answer. I don't have a mission or a cause. I'm just here, alone in my head.
"And I'm the last person in the world I thought I'd be."
-Danny Elfman
And I think it's supposed to hurt a little bit. I think it's supposed to have some kind of uncomfortableness to it. If it wasn't hard, any idiot would be surrounded in companionship.
I am not the person they think I am. I'm entirely someone different. I've managed. I've assimilated seamlessly. They have no idea.
No one knows me. No one. Not even those that have placed their hands inside of my soul.
He was underneath me, sweating and breathing deeply, he was sinking and floating. He was as close to mine at that moment as anyone would ever be, when he suddenly had this awarity. And he touched my face and said, "Who are you?" On some level, he knew. He knew that he would never know.
She drove off, she let me close her door, and she just pulled away from the curb and drove off. She knew she'd never see me again. She knew she was severing herself from me. She had no idea what that would do to me. She had no idea because she never knew me. Leaving was just her way of confirming it.
But I go back out there. I extend only enough to insure I exist. I reach out, and open up, only to withdraw and fade away. Escape under the radar. I am trying not to be lonely, but I keep refusing to stop being alone. I don't really have an answer. I don't have a mission or a cause. I'm just here, alone in my head.
"And I'm the last person in the world I thought I'd be."
-Danny Elfman
November 21, 2005
All Apologies
First time I was in London I was 16.
It was 1983.
Sweet Dreams are Made of This.
It was the first time I didn't feel like the alien.
I made a friend, I lost a friend.
I drank my first scotch.
And I saw my first panda bear at Regents Park Zoo.
But what will forever shine about London, was Rick. It's a special feeling. For the first time a person that was someone, thought that I was someone too.
I found out he passed away in May.
There are some things that are just out there forever. That you can never fix. That you have set into motion, and now you have to suffer all consequences.
The worst by far, are the ones you committed against people you have no access to now. People who will never hear your apology. Who will never know your guilt. Who will never know they won. You can never relieve that, or alleviate that weight. You’re there, in it, forever.
Some things are that way.
And I thank the gods he wasn't one of them.
It was 1983.
Sweet Dreams are Made of This.
It was the first time I didn't feel like the alien.
I made a friend, I lost a friend.
I drank my first scotch.
And I saw my first panda bear at Regents Park Zoo.
But what will forever shine about London, was Rick. It's a special feeling. For the first time a person that was someone, thought that I was someone too.
I found out he passed away in May.
There are some things that are just out there forever. That you can never fix. That you have set into motion, and now you have to suffer all consequences.
The worst by far, are the ones you committed against people you have no access to now. People who will never hear your apology. Who will never know your guilt. Who will never know they won. You can never relieve that, or alleviate that weight. You’re there, in it, forever.
Some things are that way.
And I thank the gods he wasn't one of them.
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