Adios, Mi Amigo

And like the wind, you go.

Some things last a long time
Until they don’t.

And then
Came the night.
And I forgot to tell you
So many wonderful things.
So many stupid things.
That made no difference.

Sometimes you’re alone
With your bravery
And the things you didn’t say.

And then
Came the winter.
And then it was over.

Getting It

LD - One of the reasons I miss you so much is no one down here knows how to relax and have fun. They're all wound up tight like poodles in a church. They can't just fucking laugh and shit. Life is just too damn short to take yourself so seriously! Do you know there are actually adults here that say "The F Word" or "The C Word" and won't curse? What in the hell is that shit? I mean, fuck. Fuck! Fuck fuck FUCK!!

Me - Thank you.

LD - For what?

Me - For getting it.

LD - Oh I haven't gotten any since I moved. Although I do like this one guy kinda.

Me - I mean, for understanding.

LD - But I don't understand it!

Me - I mean, ... nevermind.

LD, giggling - You miss me. You miiiissssss meeeeeee.


Darlin', you have no idea.
.

Dissemble

I made an old lonely man smile.

I made him feel real human interaction, given and taken, when he was sure he couldn’t, wouldn’t, not ever again.

And it was. And he did. And I did that.

Not selflessly. I had an agenda and I got the research I wanted. And karmically this isn’t over. I will pay for this on some level. But I did make an old man feel really good. I made him forgive himself, and let go. I helped him move on, and let his heart heal. I reminded him that the world has been waiting for his return. I welcomed him back.

At some point I probably could have confessed that I was researching a book. I had nothing to lose, but he did. He was so happy. He felt so much better about what he had done. And I think he deserved to feel better. I let it go at that.

Confession is good for the soul: yours. Not theirs. Sometimes you have to think about the greater good. Keeping it to yourself is sometimes the greater sacrifice.

I can lie like a rug. But not with my heart. I meant every Word I said to him. I meant every Word.

Inside the worst storms are the best opportunities to see what the world is really like.

Not You

I give you an A+ for backing off.
Because this was an important lesson and maybe it wasn't yours to learn.
You let someone else through, or out, or win.
You let someone else take what they needed from this moment.
You stepped aside and let another person have this. I give you an A+.


I give you an A+ because bowing out takes grace and dignity. Walking away is the hardest thing to do: far harder than fighting. Or winning. Or losing. Walking away takes common sense and grounding: two things you can't win by fighting.

I give you an A+ for picking your battles, and realizing this shouldn't be one of them. I give you an A+ for knowing when something is nothing.

I give you an A+ for surrendering. For figuring out quickly that someone not grounded needed this. And I hope you were able to go on with your day and not give this a second thought. But I suspect that you thought. And then thought some more. And I can only hope you see what I saw.

I give you an A+ for realizing this wasn’t about you.
This simply was not about you.

Diners in Daylight

He used to say I can't a lot. I can't. Maybe he was a prophet. Or maybe he was a visionary. He envisioned it and eventually, it was so. He used to say, I'll never marry, I'll always be alone
and I guess those invitations went out because that's what he invited. Because that's what he is: alone. Or maybe it's bravery and I'm a believer. Maybe it was going to be no matter what was said. Maybe he'd said what he said to soften the blow. Maybe it was his bravery, and I'm a believer.

The diner where we'd meet for coffee in the middle of the night is still there. It looks different in the light. It looks foreign. It looks distant.

Fifteen years is a long time.
Seventeen is longer.

There’s a romanticism from far away. But up close it’s real. It becomes real and tangible, and it becomes too much. The things I conquered. The things I fucked up.

I’ll own this. I'll keep these things. Tucked away. And I'll still pick up the tab for that coffee.

Character

The character without a past, with only a present.
The character with a secret.
The character with a fault.

Sometimes fiction writes itself. You cast your eyes on the hero you create with aim and focus. You flesh out a purpose and a plotline. You go into it firing, creating enough periphery to allow him wings and reflection.

But someone in the fringe just takes off. Someone meant only to showcase a certain characteristic of the main man, instead becomes the mystery all readers want solved. Stealer of the sun. He takes the light. He draws your attention.

I really don't know how it happens but sometimes no matter how hard you write it, your fiction winds up writing itself. And it's always that same character in the shadow that moves into the eclipse. It's always the one with no past, only present.

Only presence.


"And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool."
- Pink



And by the way, DJ Rukus was spectacular last night at mur.mur
.

#2 Pencil

You aren't the only variable.
You are one of many, ever changing.
There are very few constants.

Life is a proof. A cumulative. A process. It's not one line, not even if that line is the answer. Life is how you got there.

Show your work.
Solve for why.

Curbs

You know no one’s coming after you.
If you take off.
If you run.
No one’s coming.



And you’ll have these moments.

People expect so much. From you. They expect you to handle things. Things you can’t.

I am not that person. The person that handles these things.

I'm the person that runs. The person pulled over on the side of the road, crying in the car.
The person no one’s coming after.

The greatest thing I ever did
was you.

Starting Things Off Left

"She lets me drive her car
So I can score an eighth
From the lesbians
Out west in Venice
Oh, California in the summer
Ah, and my hair is growing long
Fuck yeah, we can live like this."
- Jack's Mannequin

"Seriously, I firmly believe technology should make people smarter, not allow them to be dumber. Enhance. Not compensate."
– Queen Code Monkey

"Optimists see the glass as half full. Pessimists see the glass as half empty. Engineers see the glass as twice as big as it needs to be."
- John C. Mather

"I'm a big rock star, I got a beautiful girl, and they still call me a fag. It's like high school never ends. The jocks are always on top. "
- Jonathan Davis

"My father is dead, dead for well over a decade. The awkward breakfasts became awkward dinners became an awkward elevator ride where he told me there were no beautiful women in his old folks home, just ugly old broads who couldn't make his dick hard if they tried."
- Chuck


LD - "Sometimes I totally get your taste. Craig Ferguson. Eddie Izzard. Jack Black. John Cleese. But then sometimes you pick someone that makes my head explode. Like Jay Mohr. What the fuck is that? I mean, ewww! And those flakey one sided documentaries. Flint. Whatever."

Me - "You're confused. That's Michael Moore. I like Jay Mohr. Picture Perfect. The Groomsmen. Pay it Forward."

LD - Pause. "Oh. OK. Well then, who is it that you like that I have a problem with?"

Me - "Penn Jillette."

LD - "Right! Yes! Thanks for reminding me."

Me - "Anytime."


"Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an anti-gay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole."
- Judy Carte

"Bad grape."
- Little H
.